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I knew him

I knew him
And some may say I knew him
Too well
I knew him in sickness, in health
I knew him in tear-streaked skin
And blood-stained lips
I knew him before I even met him--
I dreamed about someone like him
Someone who may as well have been him
I knew him in the intensity of passion
I knew him in even his gentlest moments
I knew him
But he did not know me.

Envy was common to surround me
Wrapping its horrid vines around my neck
Squeezing out my every last breath
All because I saw him--
I saw who he had, who he possessed
Who he was able to wrap up in his little world
Of domesticity and peace and love
Unfettering, uncalculated, without demand or reason
I knew I could never have him--
Why did I ever fantasize?
Why did I allow myself to be caught up
In a world that doesn’t exist--
A world where I was
A piece of someone else’s puzzle
Instead of a supplement or carpenter.

Moments in time
In a world where I belong
Strange to see at first but then I understood
One night, you were in my arms--
Nothing happened between us
I don’t recall how we ended up like this
But we just were
And that was okay for then
I’m afraid to say, though,
That now I want you more
More than you probably want me
More than I could ever want anyone
And this may as well be the end of me.

I dream of your domain often
The ice rink, I mean
I'm looking down on it from above
Everyone looks so small, like ants
Slowly skating around and around
But I recognize you immediately, somehow
The way you carry yourself
Your looks from the top of the mountain are unique
And I smile without a single breath
Knowing I'm in the perfect spot to observe
Where I see you but you do not see me
Much like our dynamic in the real world
There was one time in this dream where
You stopped in the middle of the ice
Letting other skaters pass you by
And looked up at me
Deep brown eyes like the cores of being
Oak trees which heard too many nighttime secrets
Ebony hair slicked back with strands
Falling across your forehead, almost on purpose
And my heart skips a beat
As your lips curl up in an archaic smile
To be known is to be loved
And you loved me without uttering a word.

I speak it
I whisper my truths to the pedestal
To the altar of your love
Dedicated to you, only to you
Even if I must crawl to it
I will