My fortress of solitude has cracks in the bricks
I never meant for it to be this way I never asked
for the crowing of Death's lambs to be my symphony
when I cry--and God do I only cry every so often now
they told me this was a side effect-possibly-of my care
your emotions might change with hormones--
I see my mother's crying face in the mirror and
I see her crying face in front of me too because
often she cries with me
God forbid I am afraid! Afraid of the future
of the things outside of my control how many times
have I told myself--these are not things that concern me
and I need to leave it bare--so so often and yet
I wrap myself up in the fury I am worked into fervor
into a fever of chaos and self-neglect--I feel the backs of my eyes
stiffen up at the mere idea of tears--I don't blame them
tears never got me anywhere
Hate hate hate I repeat the mantra of hate to myself:
You've become sickly and weak You can't even imagine
doing regular adult things like
getting a job
buying a car
living on your own
away from Mom
out of the state perhaps
heavens forbid you leave the city
dash the old life
you don't need it where you're going
stop whining
stop crying
stop moping
stop curling up into the foetal position
stop acting like a child
stop acting like you
stop acting
stop
My body is waging a cold war against itself
instead of working in harmony to make this world inside of me
a better place--a hidden space
I feel nausea creep up in the back of my throat
I beg and bade it away I grabbed the alcohol wipes I tore them open
I put it to my nose and--INHALE EXHALE--I am alive I am here
shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck
and where in God's names are my meds
the ones I used to take
the ones that are actually more commonly used as allergy medication
but they do their job of shutting off haywire connections so well
they use it for anxiety too
when you need to shut your brain off and I know
you know
we both know I need this so much
My beautiful poetic prose falls apart I struggle to put
my words to paper to text to mind
I get sick over every little Goddamned thing and I'm
pissed off to top it all off yes the worst part of all this is
I'M MAD I'M SO MAD AT MYSELF
mad that I can't just be "normal" or whatever the hell it is anymore
nobody's normal but stop talking to me about that
I know what I mean and I know you know I know what I mean
deep down--you know what I mean
to wake up without that sickly feeling surfacing
to not be afraid of the unknown
the untellable the unforeseeable
it kills me to exist like this and fuck you
you know I've thought about it the easy way out
I don't want it I don't want it I DON'T WANT TO DIE
I'M SICK BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE
I'm sick but I don't want to die
I keep telling myself that every time it gets this bad
when the words stop
when the world quits its turning
I close my eyes
and I just think
if I were not here
where would I be
and if not there
where else could I be
if you think it's bothersome
to get some kind of half-baked poem
or scrappy piece of prose
every other week or every other month
or every other whatever
that is just there to say "living with my brain sucks"
imagine what it's like to live in it
to look back and remember how much it hurt
if for a moment you can imagine it
you're hugging your mother after you told her
"I'm scared I don't know what I'm scared of but I'm scared
I'm scared about the future I'm scared please help me Momma
I'm six years old again and I'm scared Momma
I want to move out and be independent but I'm scared to move away
scared to move from everything I've ever known
I don't know anything about this world I'm scared"
when really you wanted to say
"please Momma do you know what to do when it gets so bad
that you can't even listen to the music you like
you can't even pick up your pen to draw
you can't eat or sleep or breathe and you feel like you're drowning"
And her hug isn't tight enough you want her to hold you
like she's holding your near-lifeless body after a crash
you need someone to hold you together like you've shattered
and you try to soak in that hug as much as possible
you try to keep the memory of her fingerprints on your back
clutch it tight to your heart like a rosary
And when Momma leaves you blow your nose
wipe the snot off your lip
the tears off your cheeks
and you look at your earbuds and you think I want to put these in
I want to listen to sad music and curl up on my twin size mattress
and I want to cry out the four years of tears I've been holding in
you look at the open window and you think it's a little cold
a little too cold I could put back on my jacket
and you listen in to your body and it says hey I need to pee
you've been sitting at your desk cherrypicking sad music
for 15 minutes and you've been writing this poem
where you don't capitalize things and
put in
weird breaks
and spacing conventions and I just wanted to say
I need to pee also I love you
thanks for not killing yourself or putting yourself through unnecessary pain
thanks for doing your injection yesterday instead of putting it off again
thanks for not canceling lunch and for getting fresh air
thanks for fighting even when I work against you and us and we and our best interests
and also it's a little cold can you put on a jacket
and that little bit of crying was dehydrating can you get some water
and I'm a little tired would a nap be okay
and I'm six and sixteen and twenty-one all at the same time
I'm everything all at once and that's okay
and can you check all the notifications on your phone
and can you tell your friends that you will be okay but you're struggling right now
tell them that you need them and need to talk to them
and tell them you love them but not in a weird way like you're going to die
just to show them that you care
And when you go to bed tonight hopefully after having a couple of laughs
with the in-server voice call maybe you'll watch a game show
or just chat about life and all the things you've been working through
don't let the pain of your existence be your only definition
please please please please please remember that hug
and remember those laughs
and remember everything you would have missed out on
if you weren't here
and remember that simple thing your mom said to you before she left
before she walked out the door and through the hall and back into her car
the thing that made you remember that even the big things are still small in the end
"do your dishes and put away your groceries"
"I will"
"goodbye I know you're busy this week but if you need anything just call"
"okay I will"
"I'll talk to you later I love you"
"I love you too"
Remember that this isn't the end
please remember that it's okay to be mad sad happy frustrated depressed anxious flighty
all at the same time
please remember that your friends need you
and your mom needs you
and your cat needs you
and everyone needs you
and you need you and I need you
I need you to stay alive
I want me to stay alive
I don't want to die
even when it's hard
I'm going to ask for a hug
and squeeze as hard as I can
until the sap of despair has been uprooted
and I can clarify it into my power
my trust my salvation my virtue
I don't have to be alone
I'm not alone
I am sorry I am grateful I want us to be friends forever
I love you Momma
I love you friends
I love you me everyone I need to live I need to survive
I don't want to give up
my body is afraid but I don't want to give up
so please help me not give up
and tell me that it'll all be okay